Funny Quotes

1. A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
   -- Fred Allen

2. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
   -- Abraham Lincoln

3. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
   -- Mark Twain

4. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
   -- Rodney Dangerfield

5. In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
   -- Mark Twain

6. Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?
   -- Holbrook Jackson

7. I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."
   -- Joan Rivers

8. Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung
   -- Voltaire

9. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
   -- George Globol

10. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
    -- Henry Youngman

11. The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
    -- George Bernard Shaw

12. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
    -- Woody Allen

    

13. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
    -- Mel Brooks

14. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
    -- Jack Nicholson

    

15. You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
    -- Mark Twain

16. The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
    -- Albert Einstein

17. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
    -- Groucho Marx

18. From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
    -- Groucho Marx

19. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
    -- George Carlin

20. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
    -- Albert Einstein

21. Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
    -- Franklin P. Jones

22. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
    -- Harry S. Truman

23. An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.
    -- Konrad Adenauer

24. Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
    -- Sinclair Lewis

25. Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
    -- James Thurber

26. The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
    -- Woody Allen

27. The girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
    -- Rodney Dangerfield

28. Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson

29. The modern pantheist not only sees the god in everything, he takes photographs of it.
    -- D.H. Lawrence

30. The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for dinner and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
    -- Bill Lawrence

31. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
    -- Jack Handey

32. When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
    -- Gracie Allen

33. Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!
    -- Ben Jonson

34. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
    -- George Carlin

35. I can resist everything except temptation.
    -- Oscar Wilde

36. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
    -- Oscar Levant

37. By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.
    -- Socrates

38. It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
    -- Woody Allen

    

39. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
    -- Joan Rivers

40. A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
    -- Oliver Herford

41. Historians are the deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.
    -- Leo Tolstoy

42. Its better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
    -- Abraham Lincoln

43. My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said... Alright... you're ugly too!
    -- Rodney Dangerfield

44. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
    -- Rodney Dangerfield

45. USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
    -- David Letterman

46. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
    -- Henny Youngman

47. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
    -- Groucho Marx

48. Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
    -- Oscar Wilde

49. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
    -- Oscar Levant

50. When women go wrong, men go right after them.
    -- Mae West

51. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
    -- Bob Hope

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